Four recent conversations I have had with my daughter that made me laugh out loud. All true, you can’t make this stuff up people.
For ease, I’m going to abbreviate our first names. D is my Daughter and M is me.
1) England V’s Turkey Euro 2016 Friendly Game
We watch quite a lot of football in our house so D likes to know which team we want to win the game.
D: Mummy, which team do we want to win?
M: The team in white, that’s England, the country we live in. We want them to win. The other team, in black, that’s Turkey, who we don’t want to win.
D: OK Mummy, we are England. so we don’t like the blacks?
M (in my head only): OMFG! Please please please don’t go to nursery or anywhere else for that matter and recall any part of this conversation…….EVER
2) A Pre-Bed Discussion On The Size Of Our Hands
When D was a tiny baby everybody commented on how long her fingers were.
D: Mummy my hands are much more little than yours
M: Yes but don’t you still have long fingers? Everyone used to comment on that when you were a baby. You’re definitely going to be a Pianist or something like that sweetheart
D: A penis Mummy?
M: *I laugh* way more than is appropriate for this conversation, with a 4-year-old
M (in my head only): Sh*t where do I go from here? Why am I so childish and had to laugh at the word penis. Dammit! A mature adult would have just corrected the child and that would have been the end of that
D: Mummy, what’s a penis?
M (in my head only): FFS just stop laughing
M: You misheard Mummy darling, I said Pianist, that’s someone who plays the piano
D: P..P..P..P penis penis
M: OMG, bed, now!
My husband catches the end of this discussion as we go up the stairs. To which I have to later shamefully admit that yes at 36 and 3/4’s I laughed at the word penis.
3) A Bedtime Chat About The Death Of One Of Our Cats
Our cat, Lola, had recently died, she was 18 and very ill. We had been talking about this quite a bit with my daughter, death is a tricky subject with an only just 4-year-old. My husband and I were both naturally quite upset but to be honest, D had never shown that much interest in either of our cats and didn’t seem to have an emotional attachment to them.
D: I really miss Lola Mummy
M: Yes sweetheart, so do I
D:*she leans into me* She went to the vet with Daddy because she was very sick and now she’s not coming back
M: That’s right baby, we won’t see her again, which is very sad but we have lots of happy memories of her
D:*she smiles forlornly and cuddles me*
I remember feeling like we were having a real moment, I thought about Lola whilst I hugged my daughter tight, maybe she had been affected by this more than I realised? I took in the scene, the deafening silence, an air of quiet contemplation flowed through the room, as (I believed), we both thought fondly of our recently deceased pet. Then the silence was broken:
D: Mummy, can we go in a car wash?
M: Yes darling………
*I am suddenly & abruptly transported back into the room*
4) A Conversation Started By My Daughter Whilst On The Toilet
A good starting place for many a profound and important discussion.
D: Mummy, do people make people?
Now, this is a good question. Good questions from your small human are a double edged sword. You’re normally 50% delighted, even proud that they have asked something clever & interesting but 50% annoyed that you have been given no prior warning and therefore no time to prepare an answer that is either:-
a. A well-researched reply full of detail, pitched at the correct level. Making you appear wise and knowledgeable (you managed to Google it behind their back utilising tried and tested distraction techniques)
b. A version of the truth, as far as you know, you haven’t had time to Google it
c. A blatant and outrageous lie. Sometimes required to get you out of particularly tricky interrogations, where the truth is either not appropriate, not worth the effort or you have no internet connection.
M: That’s a good question D. Why are you asking, who have you been talking to about that? *Me slightly panicking about the possible responses*
D: No one Mummy, I just thought it just then
M (in my head only): Well alright, bloody clever clogs
D: So that means you and Daddy made me?
M (in my head only): Oh my, where is this going, I’m not ready for this, I thought I had another 2, maybe 4 years before we had to go down this road?
M: Er…….Yes. And then we made S (her baby brother) too
D: Ooowwww *4-year-old whiney voice* but Mummy I wanted to help make S
M (in my head only): oh God……ok, so my daughter thinks that you make a baby the same way as you make a cake. Hmmm…she is only 4, so that’s probably ok, isn’t it? I’m going to go with ok and leave it there
M: Ooh……. talking of cake, who wants a snack? (Number 1 on the list of ‘Useful Parenting Diversion Tactics’ – works EVERY time….)
These are the types of conversations that make it all worth it. That turn an ordinary Tuesday into one you remember.
It’s the speaking out without prejudice or bias. Saying exactly what’s in their head’s without considering their audience or surroundings.
The unintentional hilarity is a beautiful beautiful thing.
But like all the other stages of our children’s lives, it won’t last long, so let’s all embrace it (even if it can land us in tricky/embarrassing predicaments every now and then!)